Wednesday, March 22, 2006
I really wasn't looking forward to doing taxes, but I think I'm done with the exception of mailing them.
I was kind of annoyed to find out that 2005's taxes were the least of my problems tonight.
You see, I was pretty hungry since I ate around one and was just getting to eat again at ten. I put it off because I wanted to get all the tax stuff done tonight, once and for all. Starving, I trudged into the kitchen and started browsing through the empty shelves and fridge. I regretted not getting groceries before I came home but I hadn't really planned out my evening for shopping.
I opened the freezer last, thinking there might be some frozen beef or something. The flash kick caught me completely by surprise, slamming my jaw closed and throwing me backwards into the counter.
"The Green Giant sends his regards!" screamed the frozen bag of vegetables. A package of frozen shrimp and a Swanson's frozen dinner then launched the veggies at me with mighty roars.
I dropped to the floor, almost too late to save myself. The cabinent exploded just above me, showering the kitchen in wood splinters and broken dinner ware. Thinking quickly, I stood up into a rising uppercut, just narrowly missing the shrimp, and forcing the frozen dinner back into the freezer. Still rising, I crouched and kicked off the open freezer door - slamming it shut and propelling myself through the air into the living room.
The shrimp struggled to keep its footing on the debris littered floor as I came back to the ready with a deft summersault. Seeing my chance, I charged. I realized too late that I was falling into the veggie trap!
The bag exploded through the kitchen-livingroom adjoining wall and caught me mid-stride. There was no chance for defense, so powerful was the kick. It blasted me, spinning through the air, into the dinning room where I smashed through a chair and across the table before solidly slamming into the wall.
I spat blood as I tried to recover from the blow, but the shrimp was already on me. A series of brutal kicks to my ribs kept me on the ground, wheezing. The veggies cracked another chair over my exposed back, cackling all the while.
I spit a loose tooth from my mouth and seized my only chance. "I never thought the Giant would stoop to working with President's Choice seafood. This only prooves how desperate you are."
The bag laughed from its perch on the table while the shrimp package took pause to spit in my face.
"Green said I should just ignore anything you say. He said you talked my predecessor to death."
"Not exactly," I answered as I watched the sleek shadow slip behind the shrimp. "I chewed him to death."
Only then did the veggies realize their folly. My parlay had distracted them just long enough for Dax to move into position. With lethal efficiency liken only to a cat handling seafood, she eviscerated the shrimp package from behind.
Cold, dead shrimp spilled out onto the floor in a sickening display. Frostburn sparkled on the linoleum, and the package slowly sank to the ground. It made faint gasping noises as it shrimped-out and died, like a fish out of water. Dax finished the maneuver in a powerful dramatic pose.
The veggies were stunned with horror. The cat, staring intently at the bag, slowly licked her shrimp shredding front paw, relishing every twitch of repulsion from the veggies.
I rose suddenly into the table, turning it over and throwing the entranced bag into the wall. My fists chased it, cracking the walls with each attack as the bag evaded with a series of backflips. It gained momentum and escaped me into the living room by running up and along the wall.
"You had your chance, assassin, you can't survive now!" My axe kick sundered the couch and carried through to crack the floor. The bag dove away, then reversed direction suddenly and charged at me. I threw my arm across my face to block the first blow, but the second landed with force to my abdomine. I drove forward with my knee, crunching into the bag and forcing it back with a cry.
My face cracked with a wry grin. "Are you okay? You look a little green...". A visible wave of power ran through me and the bag took a step back in confusion.
"Of course you corn't understand. No one in the Legume family has survived an encounter with me once I've started to pun." A second wave rolled over me, restoring some vigor.
"Ha! I haven't begun," threatened the veggies. "You should know...I'm genetically modified!" It screamed and launched into me. My block was complete, but the force of the blow - the scientifically enhanced super strong blow - pushed me across the carpet, tearing it up as we went.
"Don't get so steamed over a little fight," I laughed in the bag's face. A crackle of angry energy surged across my chest.
The bag screamed with frustration, rage fueling it's brutal combat ability. A punch clipped my shoulder and spun me slightly. A kick crushed into my ribs, and then a flurry of blows struck me in the back. I spun the rest of the way trying to bring up my arms to defend against the frenetic attack, but couldn't regain my footing. With a final, furious scream the flash kick caught me in the chin and rocketed me into the air.
I slammed into the ceiling and the wall before landing in a pile on the floor. The acrobatic kick allowed the bag to back off, landing on my coffee table.
I stirred, then angry purple energy danced across my body, shrouding me in a powerful glowing aura. "Use a coaster..." I began quietly. "I don't want that to become a veggie table."
The veggies shrank away as I rose from the floor, bleeding and battered, but humming with deadly energy. Panic showed on its packaging and its eyes flashed to the freezer in the kitchen. Sitting quietly, sheathed in her own sinister aura of black energy, Dax was there washing her face.
"You have great celery if not celerity. How does it feel to have corn but to never be a colonel under the Giant?".
The bag reeled from the assault.
"Surely," I cooed, "there must be enough broccoli in you to undestand the stem of your problems. If you had simply gone for the kill, you would have been crowned the victor!"
"Stop it! STOP IT!"
"This is what happens when you send a mixed bag to do--"
"I'LL KILL YOU!" the bag shrieked and lunged.
Dax cut into him in mid air. A spray of corn and carrot bits arced through the room as my cat crossed to the opposing wall and braced herself. I sprung forward and caught the spinning and wounded bag soundly on its advertising, reversing its direction.
"Dangerous Tandem Feeding Technique: Lazy Bachelor Prepares Frozen Food!!", we announced our fatal attack at a crescendo.
Dax sprung from the wall, slicing into the bag again and robbing it of momentum. I continued my attack, this time striking with my left in an uppercut, lifting the spilling bag into the air. Dax repeated her pouncing for each of my blows. The combined attacks juggled the bag in the air, slicing its sides and spraying delicious and nutritious gore.
Finally my rising fist style crushed the empty bag into the ceiling with a wet slap.
I regarded the shredded remains of yet another of the Green Giant's pawns and his allied prawns.
"As I thought. His nutritional information says that he is far too healthy to kill me."
So, anyways. If you're over at my place and find a bit of corn or carrots on the floor, that's why. It has nothing to do with me spilling any.
I was kind of annoyed to find out that 2005's taxes were the least of my problems tonight.
You see, I was pretty hungry since I ate around one and was just getting to eat again at ten. I put it off because I wanted to get all the tax stuff done tonight, once and for all. Starving, I trudged into the kitchen and started browsing through the empty shelves and fridge. I regretted not getting groceries before I came home but I hadn't really planned out my evening for shopping.
I opened the freezer last, thinking there might be some frozen beef or something. The flash kick caught me completely by surprise, slamming my jaw closed and throwing me backwards into the counter.
"The Green Giant sends his regards!" screamed the frozen bag of vegetables. A package of frozen shrimp and a Swanson's frozen dinner then launched the veggies at me with mighty roars.
I dropped to the floor, almost too late to save myself. The cabinent exploded just above me, showering the kitchen in wood splinters and broken dinner ware. Thinking quickly, I stood up into a rising uppercut, just narrowly missing the shrimp, and forcing the frozen dinner back into the freezer. Still rising, I crouched and kicked off the open freezer door - slamming it shut and propelling myself through the air into the living room.
The shrimp struggled to keep its footing on the debris littered floor as I came back to the ready with a deft summersault. Seeing my chance, I charged. I realized too late that I was falling into the veggie trap!
The bag exploded through the kitchen-livingroom adjoining wall and caught me mid-stride. There was no chance for defense, so powerful was the kick. It blasted me, spinning through the air, into the dinning room where I smashed through a chair and across the table before solidly slamming into the wall.
I spat blood as I tried to recover from the blow, but the shrimp was already on me. A series of brutal kicks to my ribs kept me on the ground, wheezing. The veggies cracked another chair over my exposed back, cackling all the while.
I spit a loose tooth from my mouth and seized my only chance. "I never thought the Giant would stoop to working with President's Choice seafood. This only prooves how desperate you are."
The bag laughed from its perch on the table while the shrimp package took pause to spit in my face.
"Green said I should just ignore anything you say. He said you talked my predecessor to death."
"Not exactly," I answered as I watched the sleek shadow slip behind the shrimp. "I chewed him to death."
Only then did the veggies realize their folly. My parlay had distracted them just long enough for Dax to move into position. With lethal efficiency liken only to a cat handling seafood, she eviscerated the shrimp package from behind.
Cold, dead shrimp spilled out onto the floor in a sickening display. Frostburn sparkled on the linoleum, and the package slowly sank to the ground. It made faint gasping noises as it shrimped-out and died, like a fish out of water. Dax finished the maneuver in a powerful dramatic pose.
The veggies were stunned with horror. The cat, staring intently at the bag, slowly licked her shrimp shredding front paw, relishing every twitch of repulsion from the veggies.
I rose suddenly into the table, turning it over and throwing the entranced bag into the wall. My fists chased it, cracking the walls with each attack as the bag evaded with a series of backflips. It gained momentum and escaped me into the living room by running up and along the wall.
"You had your chance, assassin, you can't survive now!" My axe kick sundered the couch and carried through to crack the floor. The bag dove away, then reversed direction suddenly and charged at me. I threw my arm across my face to block the first blow, but the second landed with force to my abdomine. I drove forward with my knee, crunching into the bag and forcing it back with a cry.
My face cracked with a wry grin. "Are you okay? You look a little green...". A visible wave of power ran through me and the bag took a step back in confusion.
"Of course you corn't understand. No one in the Legume family has survived an encounter with me once I've started to pun." A second wave rolled over me, restoring some vigor.
"Ha! I haven't begun," threatened the veggies. "You should know...I'm genetically modified!" It screamed and launched into me. My block was complete, but the force of the blow - the scientifically enhanced super strong blow - pushed me across the carpet, tearing it up as we went.
"Don't get so steamed over a little fight," I laughed in the bag's face. A crackle of angry energy surged across my chest.
The bag screamed with frustration, rage fueling it's brutal combat ability. A punch clipped my shoulder and spun me slightly. A kick crushed into my ribs, and then a flurry of blows struck me in the back. I spun the rest of the way trying to bring up my arms to defend against the frenetic attack, but couldn't regain my footing. With a final, furious scream the flash kick caught me in the chin and rocketed me into the air.
I slammed into the ceiling and the wall before landing in a pile on the floor. The acrobatic kick allowed the bag to back off, landing on my coffee table.
I stirred, then angry purple energy danced across my body, shrouding me in a powerful glowing aura. "Use a coaster..." I began quietly. "I don't want that to become a veggie table."
The veggies shrank away as I rose from the floor, bleeding and battered, but humming with deadly energy. Panic showed on its packaging and its eyes flashed to the freezer in the kitchen. Sitting quietly, sheathed in her own sinister aura of black energy, Dax was there washing her face.
"You have great celery if not celerity. How does it feel to have corn but to never be a colonel under the Giant?".
The bag reeled from the assault.
"Surely," I cooed, "there must be enough broccoli in you to undestand the stem of your problems. If you had simply gone for the kill, you would have been crowned the victor!"
"Stop it! STOP IT!"
"This is what happens when you send a mixed bag to do--"
"I'LL KILL YOU!" the bag shrieked and lunged.
Dax cut into him in mid air. A spray of corn and carrot bits arced through the room as my cat crossed to the opposing wall and braced herself. I sprung forward and caught the spinning and wounded bag soundly on its advertising, reversing its direction.
"Dangerous Tandem Feeding Technique: Lazy Bachelor Prepares Frozen Food!!", we announced our fatal attack at a crescendo.
Dax sprung from the wall, slicing into the bag again and robbing it of momentum. I continued my attack, this time striking with my left in an uppercut, lifting the spilling bag into the air. Dax repeated her pouncing for each of my blows. The combined attacks juggled the bag in the air, slicing its sides and spraying delicious and nutritious gore.
Finally my rising fist style crushed the empty bag into the ceiling with a wet slap.
I regarded the shredded remains of yet another of the Green Giant's pawns and his allied prawns.
"As I thought. His nutritional information says that he is far too healthy to kill me."
So, anyways. If you're over at my place and find a bit of corn or carrots on the floor, that's why. It has nothing to do with me spilling any.
