Sunday, June 08, 2003
I'm sitting here with photoshop open, a blank document just waiting for me to do something with it. I have several ideas what to do, the source material for poses, colour schemes planned...and yet I just can't seem to do it.
1.5 years ago and before that, I would have cranked something out; I probably would have stayed up all night working on it with gusto, endlessly tweaking it. So why do I have a giant 'Piro' block? Why can I not do something so simple as pick up my sketchbook and doodle senseless things?
I have several ideas, each with a pretty obvious solution...but then why have I not come to terms with the problem and fixed it? Why can't I just work on this stuff like I have since I was old enough to hold a crayon?
I'm reminded of a very early memory. A school project...I can't remember the grade. It was Halloween. I wrote a couple page story, in crayon with companion drawings, of a haunted house. I thought it was the greatest thing ever. Writing a couple pages was a giant accomplishment then, and the drawings were my top skill. Then I showed it off to my parents. They said it was excellent....but...I had written the entire story from the RIGHT to the LEFT of the page. I was destroyed. My perfect creation, ruined.
Is that part of the problem? I'm afraid of feedback from what I create because it might break some enormous rule that I should know about? Do I not want to do something potentially amazing, only to have it shot down because of some giant flaw?
Ofcourse, then there's the whole self-confidence issue. Is any of my work really 'potentially amazing'? I know my Maya stuff sure isn't. Most of my artwork from Highschool and Sheridan was average at best. It can't truely be expected that a lot of it would be amazing considering the hours I put into most of it. Sheridan was a joke with the homework and the apathetic teachers. I really did learn a lot while I was there, but can't help wonder just what may have been if I had put more out of class time into art instead of retarded waste-of-time Counter-Strike.
I'm totally shy of showing people my work. I LOVED doing that Independant Study in OAC art, but I HATED having to show it to people, even my parents and closest friends. I couldn't even stand to be in the same room while people were watching it without feeling the urge to tear up and run screaming. Why? Fear of being crushed? Wow! That's awesome...but...(enter crippling blow here). Honestly, shouldn't I be resistant to that? Especially with the way I brutally critique everything else? I suppose that would be my retribution and defense for my own work.
That seems to be my strength (and bane to everyone around me heh): knowing what is 'real' and 'fake' and what looks 'good'. The quotations are to resolve some of my confidence issues...am I really good at that, or just a loud mouth guy that thinks he can spot all the obvious special effects? Back on track: critiquing. I enjoy it, I'd like to think I'm good at it. Unfortunately, this doesn't mean that I can absorb what is good and bad and apply it to my own work...except in the creativity extent.
It always feels that no matter what I am creating, I'm ripping someone else off. I have this great idea for this thing...then I realize I saw that on TV two days ago. Read it in a book. Played it in a game. Maybe tomorrow my amazing idea will be on a news site - a brand new ground breaking feature in a movie...my idea, except not from me.
So how can I feel like drawing if what I draw may
be average...again?
be awesome but have a giant flaw which is the only feature people see?
be unoriginal?
Currently I'm stuck in some sort of quicksand trap. I want a good job; a job in the games industry would do me just fine. But to do that, I need to work on my art/design skills. To do that, I need to feel motivated. To feel motivated, I need to feel like I'm accomplishing something. To accomplish something, I need to have confidence that what I'm doing will have an effect. To have an effect, I need to show my work to someone. To show my work to someone, I need to have work to show them. To make work, I need to feel motivated....and so on.
I need constructive critisism. Isn't that what I've had? People saying 'Wow! That's awesome...but...(enter crippling blow here).'? So...have I learned not to get too attached to anything I do for fear of getting the crippling blow? Then why do I bother getting my hopes up? Why do I bother doing anything?
I'm not doing anything. I wake up, vainly struggle to look for a job. Dare I get my hopes up to get this job? No. I probably won't, so why bother? I play a game. I seem to be good at games, but its just a trick. Anyone can be as 'good' as I am if they spent as much time playing as I do. Infact, they'd probably be much better. Anyone notice how they get closer to beating me the longer a game stays in our little circle? I'm 100% sure if we still played Starcraft regularily that any one of you would kick my ass in it.
So. I play games to feel like I'm accomplishing something...defeating opponents. But really, its all unfair- hollow victories since I have the advantage of time. Everyone else has jobs or school. I assume that's why I feel so guilty playing games now. That and the reason why I feel guilty for sitting here typing this annalytical rant for so long. Wasting time doing something - anything rather than doing something that might get me a job.
Its really not that I don't want to work. I like work most of the time. I'm a hard worker when I get down to it, specifically when I have a reason to care (being paid, job that I really like). That's one of the things I use for confidence. If I did finally get a job, regardless of what it was, I know I'd be good at it simply because I would work hard at it.
That suggests that I would be good at art if I was getting paid for it. But don't I like art? Then why don't I work hard at it? All the reason are above, I suppose. But then I feel as though I'm using those reasons as excuses - something else I'm good at.
My latest excuse/project is a Neverwinter Nights module. You see, but wasting my time on this, I'm not actually playing a game, so I don't feel quite as guilty. It's related to my supposed future job (design/scripting) and its also creative. By making this, I'm avoiding looking for a 'real' job because potentially I can use it to get a 'real' job. See? It's also born out of frustration of my critiquing of otherpeople's works that I've seen in Warcraft3 as well as Neverwinter Nights. I've seen some real crap get ultimate acclaim online from millions of people and I feel that I could do much much better.
It started at least 4 years ago as a D&D campaign I was thinking of running (I won't even start on my inner feelings about my DMing inabilities...ahaha). It was forgotten for a while. Then I actually made a slightly altered version of it that fit well into the Warcraft3 aftermath. I made a full map of it; its almost totally complete, and a second map is about half finished...all that's missing is the extreme details such as spellchecking dialogue, perfecting unit facings and a few cinematic details. And I have shown it to no one. I stopped working on it for a bit as I managed to find enough force of will to do another binge job application....with no success.
And then Neverwinter Nights was reinstalled on my computer. I played with the toolset to see just how hard it was since most of the modules I had seen online really sucked. I decided that it would be a much more detailed venue for the story I had started in War3 and have started an altered version of it. Progress is slow. Not because the editor is hard, but because I keep losing interest or having to rip out huge sections because they arent original. I recently played a module online that had a section with almost identical code to mine. It took me a week to add in that entire area and in 15 minutes of playing someone else's work, it became totally unoriginal and I decided it had to be purged.
I intend on trying to defy the urge to not do anything with this module. I am trying to make something that people can play and truely enjoy and maybe pull off something that is original. I feel that its unlikely it will meet with positive critisism from me (much like that war3 map didnt) and so I maintain that I feel negative towards it because I don't want to feel the hope that it will be good, incase it isn't and I get crippled...again.
1.5 years ago and before that, I would have cranked something out; I probably would have stayed up all night working on it with gusto, endlessly tweaking it. So why do I have a giant 'Piro' block? Why can I not do something so simple as pick up my sketchbook and doodle senseless things?
I have several ideas, each with a pretty obvious solution...but then why have I not come to terms with the problem and fixed it? Why can't I just work on this stuff like I have since I was old enough to hold a crayon?
I'm reminded of a very early memory. A school project...I can't remember the grade. It was Halloween. I wrote a couple page story, in crayon with companion drawings, of a haunted house. I thought it was the greatest thing ever. Writing a couple pages was a giant accomplishment then, and the drawings were my top skill. Then I showed it off to my parents. They said it was excellent....but...I had written the entire story from the RIGHT to the LEFT of the page. I was destroyed. My perfect creation, ruined.
Is that part of the problem? I'm afraid of feedback from what I create because it might break some enormous rule that I should know about? Do I not want to do something potentially amazing, only to have it shot down because of some giant flaw?
Ofcourse, then there's the whole self-confidence issue. Is any of my work really 'potentially amazing'? I know my Maya stuff sure isn't. Most of my artwork from Highschool and Sheridan was average at best. It can't truely be expected that a lot of it would be amazing considering the hours I put into most of it. Sheridan was a joke with the homework and the apathetic teachers. I really did learn a lot while I was there, but can't help wonder just what may have been if I had put more out of class time into art instead of retarded waste-of-time Counter-Strike.
I'm totally shy of showing people my work. I LOVED doing that Independant Study in OAC art, but I HATED having to show it to people, even my parents and closest friends. I couldn't even stand to be in the same room while people were watching it without feeling the urge to tear up and run screaming. Why? Fear of being crushed? Wow! That's awesome...but...(enter crippling blow here). Honestly, shouldn't I be resistant to that? Especially with the way I brutally critique everything else? I suppose that would be my retribution and defense for my own work.
That seems to be my strength (and bane to everyone around me heh): knowing what is 'real' and 'fake' and what looks 'good'. The quotations are to resolve some of my confidence issues...am I really good at that, or just a loud mouth guy that thinks he can spot all the obvious special effects? Back on track: critiquing. I enjoy it, I'd like to think I'm good at it. Unfortunately, this doesn't mean that I can absorb what is good and bad and apply it to my own work...except in the creativity extent.
It always feels that no matter what I am creating, I'm ripping someone else off. I have this great idea for this thing...then I realize I saw that on TV two days ago. Read it in a book. Played it in a game. Maybe tomorrow my amazing idea will be on a news site - a brand new ground breaking feature in a movie...my idea, except not from me.
So how can I feel like drawing if what I draw may
be average...again?
be awesome but have a giant flaw which is the only feature people see?
be unoriginal?
Currently I'm stuck in some sort of quicksand trap. I want a good job; a job in the games industry would do me just fine. But to do that, I need to work on my art/design skills. To do that, I need to feel motivated. To feel motivated, I need to feel like I'm accomplishing something. To accomplish something, I need to have confidence that what I'm doing will have an effect. To have an effect, I need to show my work to someone. To show my work to someone, I need to have work to show them. To make work, I need to feel motivated....and so on.
I need constructive critisism. Isn't that what I've had? People saying 'Wow! That's awesome...but...(enter crippling blow here).'? So...have I learned not to get too attached to anything I do for fear of getting the crippling blow? Then why do I bother getting my hopes up? Why do I bother doing anything?
I'm not doing anything. I wake up, vainly struggle to look for a job. Dare I get my hopes up to get this job? No. I probably won't, so why bother? I play a game. I seem to be good at games, but its just a trick. Anyone can be as 'good' as I am if they spent as much time playing as I do. Infact, they'd probably be much better. Anyone notice how they get closer to beating me the longer a game stays in our little circle? I'm 100% sure if we still played Starcraft regularily that any one of you would kick my ass in it.
So. I play games to feel like I'm accomplishing something...defeating opponents. But really, its all unfair- hollow victories since I have the advantage of time. Everyone else has jobs or school. I assume that's why I feel so guilty playing games now. That and the reason why I feel guilty for sitting here typing this annalytical rant for so long. Wasting time doing something - anything rather than doing something that might get me a job.
Its really not that I don't want to work. I like work most of the time. I'm a hard worker when I get down to it, specifically when I have a reason to care (being paid, job that I really like). That's one of the things I use for confidence. If I did finally get a job, regardless of what it was, I know I'd be good at it simply because I would work hard at it.
That suggests that I would be good at art if I was getting paid for it. But don't I like art? Then why don't I work hard at it? All the reason are above, I suppose. But then I feel as though I'm using those reasons as excuses - something else I'm good at.
My latest excuse/project is a Neverwinter Nights module. You see, but wasting my time on this, I'm not actually playing a game, so I don't feel quite as guilty. It's related to my supposed future job (design/scripting) and its also creative. By making this, I'm avoiding looking for a 'real' job because potentially I can use it to get a 'real' job. See? It's also born out of frustration of my critiquing of otherpeople's works that I've seen in Warcraft3 as well as Neverwinter Nights. I've seen some real crap get ultimate acclaim online from millions of people and I feel that I could do much much better.
It started at least 4 years ago as a D&D campaign I was thinking of running (I won't even start on my inner feelings about my DMing inabilities...ahaha). It was forgotten for a while. Then I actually made a slightly altered version of it that fit well into the Warcraft3 aftermath. I made a full map of it; its almost totally complete, and a second map is about half finished...all that's missing is the extreme details such as spellchecking dialogue, perfecting unit facings and a few cinematic details. And I have shown it to no one. I stopped working on it for a bit as I managed to find enough force of will to do another binge job application....with no success.
And then Neverwinter Nights was reinstalled on my computer. I played with the toolset to see just how hard it was since most of the modules I had seen online really sucked. I decided that it would be a much more detailed venue for the story I had started in War3 and have started an altered version of it. Progress is slow. Not because the editor is hard, but because I keep losing interest or having to rip out huge sections because they arent original. I recently played a module online that had a section with almost identical code to mine. It took me a week to add in that entire area and in 15 minutes of playing someone else's work, it became totally unoriginal and I decided it had to be purged.
I intend on trying to defy the urge to not do anything with this module. I am trying to make something that people can play and truely enjoy and maybe pull off something that is original. I feel that its unlikely it will meet with positive critisism from me (much like that war3 map didnt) and so I maintain that I feel negative towards it because I don't want to feel the hope that it will be good, incase it isn't and I get crippled...again.
